Uhhh...Really?

I'm afraid to type it. I'm afraid if I utter the words, it will end. I didn't expect to be this nervous... According to a cheap chinese mail-order test and a more expensive bought-in-the-usa test - I am pregnant. Okay, I said it. I expected my period last week on Thurs or Friday, but as usual, I tested early on Wednesday. A couple weeks back, I ordered some pregnancy tests (strips) from China. They cost $2.00 for a pack of ten. I did it just for shits and giggles. So I peed in a dixie cup on Wednesday morning while my 2 year old watched Sid the Science Kid. I dropped the stick in the cup and waited to see the lone line that would confirm the absence of pregnancy hormones. But what to my surprise did I see? A faint second line... After picking myself up off the floor, I dug around in my bathroom cabinet and found a "more reputable" home pregnancy test and stuck that one in my cup of pee. Drum roll please - there was a plus sign in one window. Wait - what does that mean? Where are the directions?!?! Yup, it means I've got pregnancy hormones in my pee.

Back in June when I saw the positive pregnancy test after trying month after month, I cried a little. I was so excited and happy and beside myself, that I cried. This time I just sighed real big and then hugged my son. I'm so scared. I'm afraid be excited. I keep praying and begging this little one to stick and be healthy and hang in there. I'm hoping I will be a little bit more at ease once I have that first appointment w/ my OB and I see the heartbeat. The sucky thing is my last miscarriage happened at 9 1/2 weeks which was after my first OB appt, after I saw the heartbeat. I don't want to be weary this entire time - I want to enjoy my pregnancy and be happy. My first pregnancy was marred w/ a lot of stress and I've so looked forward to a pregnancy where I could focus on being pregnant and not dealing w/ a lot of outside problems. Maybe this will be the one. The only thing I can do is take one day at a time.

The Party

I realized today that posting and updating this blog is keeping me a little more sane. This morning I read a few blogs I follow - mostly blogs from women who were dealing w/ issue of infertility and then got pregnant. While I'm really happy these women have gotten pregnant, I still get depressed reading their blogs (then why do I read them you might ask...good question and one I've been asking myself for a while). I suppose I read them b/c it give me hope that I will get pregnant eventually. There's one particular blog I follow consistently and have been reading since April or May. This blogger had been dealing w/ infertility for a few years and after several IVFs, she got pregnant about the same time I did in June. So, each week she reports on how she is doing and how the baby is growing - just like my life would be if I were still pregnant. She's still going strong and I'm so happy for her, but still sad I'm not pregnant and able to report on my pregnancy week to week. Having a baby/child is huge. You cannot feel the emotions of being a mother, of having someone totally dependent on you, unless you have a child. I am so blessed b/c I have my son and even if I am never able to have another child, I got that one chance to be pregnant. I got that one chance to have baby showers and then spend hours touching and organizing all of the gifts in the nursery. I got that one chance to go through labor and deliver a beautiful healthy baby. I got that one chance to go through sleepless nights and breast feed what seemed like every minute of the day. I got that one chance to see my baby do all those "firsts" - smiling; reaching; rolling over; sitting up; saying mama; crawling; walking, etc. I got that one chance to plan and celebrate my son's first birthday (and every birthday thereafter) and do so many other things that mean the world to me. You know, I really don't have any reason to believe I will not get pregnant again and some of this is just momentary pity for myself. I think the moment has passed.

Here's some shots from the big 2nd birthday party.

Pic 1- Eating cake batter b/f the big event.

Pic 2 - The spread.

Pic 3 - Pool party.

Pic 4 - Blowing out the candle.

Happy birthday little man!!!