One of the worst and best days of my life.

Over the past few months I've found myself perusing the internet reading other people's blogs. What led me to their blogs? Well, I have been desperate to get pregnant and once the word "infertility" entered my vocabulary, I had to google it. It's comforting to read about other people who are having problems too. Misery loves company. I found a few blogs that I enjoyed reading and kept coming back to get updates. I wanted to comment on those blogs and talk about things that were happening to me. We all love to talk about ourselves. Instead of boring people on their blogs, I figured why start my own blog. Of course no one may ever read this or any other comment I make, but at least it's mine and I can vent and talk about myself as much as I want.

Why did I title this entry as "one of the worst and best days of my life"? Let's get the bad news out first. After my desperate pleas to get pregnant, it happened. But as quickly as it happened, it was taken away from me. We found out in June we were going to have a baby and now a little over a month later, I'm having a miscarriage. The dreaded "M" word. I have a healthy, perfect, adorable little boy who will be two in a month so I'm blessed. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones because I already have a child. But the fact that I already have a baby doesn't make this any less sad and miserable and just plain sucky. We want lots of kids and maybe I shouldn't have waited so late in life to start having a family - I'm 35 - practically OLD. But life has happened the way it's happened and I can't go back and change things. After having our first baby, we wanted more. We were ready to start trying for another as soon as six months after having our first. Crazy, but true. Apparently that wasn't in the cards for us because it took what seemed like forever to get pregnant again (even though the first one only took a few months). And now it's even more clear that we aren't suppose to have another baby for a little bit longer. What started out Friday night as a little spotting with no concern (b/c I went through the same things w/ my first) has turned into what the medical community diagnosed as a "missed abortion."

Now on to the happy news. Today is my 13th Anniversary. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. Wow. That's a really long time. I can't say all of those 13 years were happy cause we went through a pretty rough patch a few years back. But overall, it's been great. I married my best friend and I love him to death.

My mission for the day is every time I start dwelling on the fact that I'm currently having a miscarriage, instead, I will remember back 13 years ago...what was I doing at this exact moment in time 13 years ago? I'm pretty certain that at 9:47 a.m. on Saturday, August 5, 1995, I had just gotten my hair done and I was at the church putting on my dress so that we could start taking pictures. We hadn't opened a beer yet - it was still a little early for that. I do know I was surrounded by people I love and I felt more beautiful that day than I had ever felt in my entire life.

While I'm angry at God for taking away the precious baby that had been growing inside of me, I am also thankful to God for giving me a perfect wedding day 13 years ago, a wonderful husband and a son that makes every day worth getting up for.


Now if I can just get through this day...