Day Three Of "The Process"

I went to the dentist this morning and had to fill out a bunch of paperwork b/c it was the first time I had ever been to this particular clinic. In the health questionnaire part, I was asked about whether I was under a physicians care and why. Monday morning I was under a physicians care because I was pregnant. By Monday afternoon, I was still under a physicians care, but I was no longer pregnant. When I made my dentist appointment several weeks ago, I told them I was pregnant and asked about x-rays and getting my wisdom teeth removed, wondering whether that would be an issue. This morning, I had to check that little box that said "NO" under the question "Are you pregnant?"

At least I made it through yesterday. It was tough. I spent most of Monday walking around in shock. I was shocked that anything was wrong b/c I felt fine. I was shocked that they couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat. I was shocked that I was no longer going to have a baby due in March. Yesterday was different than Monday. I was in pain and I had symptoms that clearly told me something was wrong. I had "the" miscarriage yesterday. Without going into any details, I went through a process yesterday that confirmed I literally lost my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. So now it's day three of the process and physically I'm feeling better. My heart is still broken, but at least yesterday is behind me.

I've heard at least three stories lately where women had miscarriages and then got pregnant again within two months. That gives me hope that we won't have to struggle another year to get pregnant again, that it will happen quickly. I'm afraid of that hope and what it will do to me if I don't get pregnant fairly soon after this is all over with. Half of the time, I find myself ignoring what is going on here and now, and instead thinking about when I'll be fertile next month and when I should expect my period and what my new due date would be if I got pregnant again real soon. I'm just building up hope that something is going to happen right away and it's going to kill me if it doesn't work out that way.

Did I mention that my dog died a month ago? He was 14 1/2 years old and the best darn maltese you could ever have. Talk about a depressing past few months.

It will get better. I have hope and faith and I shouldn't let that go just because I run the risk of getting hurt again. How cliche, but tomorrow is a new day.