Who else is happy the Olymics are over??? I am thrilled. Not because I hated watching the Olymics, but because I liked watching the Olympics too much which in turn meant less sleep! I don't remember the last time I saw that much flipping, running, swimming and diving and stayed up past 10 p.m. every night. Seriously though, I really did enjoy the Olympics. It's an incredible event and we get to experience it with millions of other humans all over the globe. Koodos to all the athletes and coaches. What will I do to fill the hours now?
I made it through my appointment last week. I was seething mad when I left the doctor's office. First off, I had to pay a $20 co-pay (more on that later), then it took 45 minutes to get to see my OB and then he spent about 5 minutes with me telling me stuff I couldn have learned through a telephone conversation. Here's how the appointment went...
"Hi Lisa, how are you feeling?"
"Fine, thanks"
(looking at his computer screen) "Well, everything looks fine...we'll take a look at todays bloodwork once it's back and if there is anything to be concerned about, we'll call you...take care..."
What??? Again, why this appointment had to take place is beyond me. Maybe to get that stupid $20 co-pay. $20 is not a lot of money, that's not the point. The point is with my first pregnancy and delivery, I paid $20 on my first visit and then had to pay something like $200 to the hospital and that's it. A grand total of $220 to HAVE a baby. But with my miscarriage, I have had to pay $20 every time I had an appt. to see the doctor, even when it was a follow-up visit and I only spent 5 (non)quality minutes w/ my OB. Figures.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Back To The Drawing Board
It's been a while since I've posted...only three posts and I'm already getting lazy. Not a good start.
I have my "two weeks after the miscarriage, let's make sure everything's okay" doctor's appointment this afternoon. They will draw blood first to see if all the pregnancy hormones are out of my system. Last week I was still at 16.7. Besides being stuck w/ a needle today, I so don't want to have to have another v ultrasound. It's so much easier to do when you're pregnant, but invasive when you're not. Amazing how we get used to showing the world our most intimate body parts. Hopefully everything looks good and I'll get the thumbs up to start trying again. I know they recommend waiting until having one regular cycle, but I'm not going to do anything to prevent getting pregnant right now. If it happens, it happens. I don't expect it to happen, but I would be thrilled if it did. My hubby thinks it will happen in three months. He had the timing right last time so I'm thinking I might want to listen to him.
The summer is rapidly coming to an end. I see school buses now in the morning. Joseph can't get enough of school buses and keeps asking to ride one. Geez, slow down little guy. I don't even want to start thinking about sending him away to school. Last night Joseph was naming different body parts and then pointing to them - like his chin, elbows and knees. I found it funny because we talk about the "basic" body parts, but who ever asks their kid to point to their chin? Maybe I'm out of the loop. He was also running around asking for a helmet since another little boy at daycare has one because he is always running into walls. How do I explain to my son that he really shouldn't want to wear a helmet...only accident prone, crazy kids need helmets. Probably not the best thing to say.
Time to pack it up and get poked and prodded again.
I have my "two weeks after the miscarriage, let's make sure everything's okay" doctor's appointment this afternoon. They will draw blood first to see if all the pregnancy hormones are out of my system. Last week I was still at 16.7. Besides being stuck w/ a needle today, I so don't want to have to have another v ultrasound. It's so much easier to do when you're pregnant, but invasive when you're not. Amazing how we get used to showing the world our most intimate body parts. Hopefully everything looks good and I'll get the thumbs up to start trying again. I know they recommend waiting until having one regular cycle, but I'm not going to do anything to prevent getting pregnant right now. If it happens, it happens. I don't expect it to happen, but I would be thrilled if it did. My hubby thinks it will happen in three months. He had the timing right last time so I'm thinking I might want to listen to him.
The summer is rapidly coming to an end. I see school buses now in the morning. Joseph can't get enough of school buses and keeps asking to ride one. Geez, slow down little guy. I don't even want to start thinking about sending him away to school. Last night Joseph was naming different body parts and then pointing to them - like his chin, elbows and knees. I found it funny because we talk about the "basic" body parts, but who ever asks their kid to point to their chin? Maybe I'm out of the loop. He was also running around asking for a helmet since another little boy at daycare has one because he is always running into walls. How do I explain to my son that he really shouldn't want to wear a helmet...only accident prone, crazy kids need helmets. Probably not the best thing to say.
Time to pack it up and get poked and prodded again.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Imbalanced
I spent more time at my least favorite place yesterday...the doctor's office. Gone are the days where I would sit in the waiting room w/ a little smile on my face as I watched the other pregnant women walk by. Now I sit in the waiting room and refuse to look up b/c I don't want to sneer at these women or burst out crying. I had an ultrasound and it looks like I did things naturally on Tuesday, no need for further intervention. That's good. At least my body recognized something was wrong and took care it. Now I have to have blood work done once a week until all the pregnancy hormones are out of my body. Every time I get blood drawn, my arm looks like a battlefield. I usually don't bruise this easily after giving blood, but it's been rough the last few times. No, I don't use intravenous street drugs...
On a lighter note, I am planning my son's second birthday party. He will turn two in a few weeks and while we're not going to go crazy, we will have a backyard bbq. Joseph loves Elmo so we're working on an Elmo theme. I am a big fan of water in the summer - swimming pool, beach, sprinkler, etc. So in addition to Elmo, I want to add some backyard water activities for the kids. It's so refreshing to see little kids playing in a mini pool or running through the sprinkler. I live in the southeast and we are in a drought, but it is a kid's birthday party so we can cheat a little right??? I'll have most of the neighbors over so hopefully no one will call the county on us while we're wasting water with sprinklers and swimming pools.
On a lighter note, I am planning my son's second birthday party. He will turn two in a few weeks and while we're not going to go crazy, we will have a backyard bbq. Joseph loves Elmo so we're working on an Elmo theme. I am a big fan of water in the summer - swimming pool, beach, sprinkler, etc. So in addition to Elmo, I want to add some backyard water activities for the kids. It's so refreshing to see little kids playing in a mini pool or running through the sprinkler. I live in the southeast and we are in a drought, but it is a kid's birthday party so we can cheat a little right??? I'll have most of the neighbors over so hopefully no one will call the county on us while we're wasting water with sprinklers and swimming pools.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Day Three Of "The Process"
I went to the dentist this morning and had to fill out a bunch of paperwork b/c it was the first time I had ever been to this particular clinic. In the health questionnaire part, I was asked about whether I was under a physicians care and why. Monday morning I was under a physicians care because I was pregnant. By Monday afternoon, I was still under a physicians care, but I was no longer pregnant. When I made my dentist appointment several weeks ago, I told them I was pregnant and asked about x-rays and getting my wisdom teeth removed, wondering whether that would be an issue. This morning, I had to check that little box that said "NO" under the question "Are you pregnant?"
At least I made it through yesterday. It was tough. I spent most of Monday walking around in shock. I was shocked that anything was wrong b/c I felt fine. I was shocked that they couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat. I was shocked that I was no longer going to have a baby due in March. Yesterday was different than Monday. I was in pain and I had symptoms that clearly told me something was wrong. I had "the" miscarriage yesterday. Without going into any details, I went through a process yesterday that confirmed I literally lost my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. So now it's day three of the process and physically I'm feeling better. My heart is still broken, but at least yesterday is behind me.
I've heard at least three stories lately where women had miscarriages and then got pregnant again within two months. That gives me hope that we won't have to struggle another year to get pregnant again, that it will happen quickly. I'm afraid of that hope and what it will do to me if I don't get pregnant fairly soon after this is all over with. Half of the time, I find myself ignoring what is going on here and now, and instead thinking about when I'll be fertile next month and when I should expect my period and what my new due date would be if I got pregnant again real soon. I'm just building up hope that something is going to happen right away and it's going to kill me if it doesn't work out that way.
Did I mention that my dog died a month ago? He was 14 1/2 years old and the best darn maltese you could ever have. Talk about a depressing past few months.
It will get better. I have hope and faith and I shouldn't let that go just because I run the risk of getting hurt again. How cliche, but tomorrow is a new day.
At least I made it through yesterday. It was tough. I spent most of Monday walking around in shock. I was shocked that anything was wrong b/c I felt fine. I was shocked that they couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat. I was shocked that I was no longer going to have a baby due in March. Yesterday was different than Monday. I was in pain and I had symptoms that clearly told me something was wrong. I had "the" miscarriage yesterday. Without going into any details, I went through a process yesterday that confirmed I literally lost my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. So now it's day three of the process and physically I'm feeling better. My heart is still broken, but at least yesterday is behind me.
I've heard at least three stories lately where women had miscarriages and then got pregnant again within two months. That gives me hope that we won't have to struggle another year to get pregnant again, that it will happen quickly. I'm afraid of that hope and what it will do to me if I don't get pregnant fairly soon after this is all over with. Half of the time, I find myself ignoring what is going on here and now, and instead thinking about when I'll be fertile next month and when I should expect my period and what my new due date would be if I got pregnant again real soon. I'm just building up hope that something is going to happen right away and it's going to kill me if it doesn't work out that way.
Did I mention that my dog died a month ago? He was 14 1/2 years old and the best darn maltese you could ever have. Talk about a depressing past few months.
It will get better. I have hope and faith and I shouldn't let that go just because I run the risk of getting hurt again. How cliche, but tomorrow is a new day.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
One of the worst and best days of my life.
Over the past few months I've found myself perusing the internet reading other people's blogs. What led me to their blogs? Well, I have been desperate to get pregnant and once the word "infertility" entered my vocabulary, I had to google it. It's comforting to read about other people who are having problems too. Misery loves company. I found a few blogs that I enjoyed reading and kept coming back to get updates. I wanted to comment on those blogs and talk about things that were happening to me. We all love to talk about ourselves. Instead of boring people on their blogs, I figured why start my own blog. Of course no one may ever read this or any other comment I make, but at least it's mine and I can vent and talk about myself as much as I want.
Why did I title this entry as "one of the worst and best days of my life"? Let's get the bad news out first. After my desperate pleas to get pregnant, it happened. But as quickly as it happened, it was taken away from me. We found out in June we were going to have a baby and now a little over a month later, I'm having a miscarriage. The dreaded "M" word. I have a healthy, perfect, adorable little boy who will be two in a month so I'm blessed. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones because I already have a child. But the fact that I already have a baby doesn't make this any less sad and miserable and just plain sucky. We want lots of kids and maybe I shouldn't have waited so late in life to start having a family - I'm 35 - practically OLD. But life has happened the way it's happened and I can't go back and change things. After having our first baby, we wanted more. We were ready to start trying for another as soon as six months after having our first. Crazy, but true. Apparently that wasn't in the cards for us because it took what seemed like forever to get pregnant again (even though the first one only took a few months). And now it's even more clear that we aren't suppose to have another baby for a little bit longer. What started out Friday night as a little spotting with no concern (b/c I went through the same things w/ my first) has turned into what the medical community diagnosed as a "missed abortion."
Now on to the happy news. Today is my 13th Anniversary. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. Wow. That's a really long time. I can't say all of those 13 years were happy cause we went through a pretty rough patch a few years back. But overall, it's been great. I married my best friend and I love him to death.
My mission for the day is every time I start dwelling on the fact that I'm currently having a miscarriage, instead, I will remember back 13 years ago...what was I doing at this exact moment in time 13 years ago? I'm pretty certain that at 9:47 a.m. on Saturday, August 5, 1995, I had just gotten my hair done and I was at the church putting on my dress so that we could start taking pictures. We hadn't opened a beer yet - it was still a little early for that. I do know I was surrounded by people I love and I felt more beautiful that day than I had ever felt in my entire life.
While I'm angry at God for taking away the precious baby that had been growing inside of me, I am also thankful to God for giving me a perfect wedding day 13 years ago, a wonderful husband and a son that makes every day worth getting up for.
Now if I can just get through this day...
Why did I title this entry as "one of the worst and best days of my life"? Let's get the bad news out first. After my desperate pleas to get pregnant, it happened. But as quickly as it happened, it was taken away from me. We found out in June we were going to have a baby and now a little over a month later, I'm having a miscarriage. The dreaded "M" word. I have a healthy, perfect, adorable little boy who will be two in a month so I'm blessed. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones because I already have a child. But the fact that I already have a baby doesn't make this any less sad and miserable and just plain sucky. We want lots of kids and maybe I shouldn't have waited so late in life to start having a family - I'm 35 - practically OLD. But life has happened the way it's happened and I can't go back and change things. After having our first baby, we wanted more. We were ready to start trying for another as soon as six months after having our first. Crazy, but true. Apparently that wasn't in the cards for us because it took what seemed like forever to get pregnant again (even though the first one only took a few months). And now it's even more clear that we aren't suppose to have another baby for a little bit longer. What started out Friday night as a little spotting with no concern (b/c I went through the same things w/ my first) has turned into what the medical community diagnosed as a "missed abortion."
Now on to the happy news. Today is my 13th Anniversary. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. Wow. That's a really long time. I can't say all of those 13 years were happy cause we went through a pretty rough patch a few years back. But overall, it's been great. I married my best friend and I love him to death.
My mission for the day is every time I start dwelling on the fact that I'm currently having a miscarriage, instead, I will remember back 13 years ago...what was I doing at this exact moment in time 13 years ago? I'm pretty certain that at 9:47 a.m. on Saturday, August 5, 1995, I had just gotten my hair done and I was at the church putting on my dress so that we could start taking pictures. We hadn't opened a beer yet - it was still a little early for that. I do know I was surrounded by people I love and I felt more beautiful that day than I had ever felt in my entire life.
While I'm angry at God for taking away the precious baby that had been growing inside of me, I am also thankful to God for giving me a perfect wedding day 13 years ago, a wonderful husband and a son that makes every day worth getting up for.
Now if I can just get through this day...
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